Giant Book of Jokes, Riddles, and Brain Teasers Read online

  THE

  EVERYTHING®

  KIDS'

  GIANT

  BOOK OF JOKES,

  RIDDLES, AND

  BRAIN TEASERS

  Michael Dahl, Kathi Wagner, Aubrey Wagner, and Aileen Weintraub

  PUBLISHER Karen Cooper

  DIRECTOR OF ACQUISITIONS AND INNOVATION Paula Munier

  MANAGING EDITOR, EVERYTHING® SERIES Lisa Laing

  COPY CHIEF Casey Ebert

  ACQUISITIONS EDITOR Katrina Schroeder

  SENIOR DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Brett Palana-Shanahan

  ASSOCIATE DEVELOPMENT EDITOR Hillary Thompson

  EDITORIAL ASSISTANT Ross Weisman

  EVERYTHING® SERIES COVER DESIGNER Erin Alexander

  LAYOUT DESIGNERS Colleen Cunningham, Elisabeth Lariviere, Ashley Vierra, Denise Wallace

  Copyright © 2010 by F+W Media, Inc.

  All rights reserved.

  This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher; exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews and photocopies made for classroom use.

  An Everything® Series Book.

  Everything® and everything.com® are registered trademarks of F+W Media, Inc.

  Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc.

  57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A.

  www.adamsmedia.com

  Contains material adapted and abridged from The Everything® Kids' Joke Book by Michael Dahl, copyright © 2001 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-58062-686-6, ISBN 13: 978-1-58062-686-6; The Everything® Kids' Knock Knock Book by Aileen Weintraub, copyright © 2004 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59337-127-6, ISBN-13: 978-1-59337-127-2; The Everything® Kids' Riddles & Brain Teasers Book by Kathi Wagner and Aubrey Wagner, copyright © 2004 by F+W Media, Inc., ISBN 10: 1-59337-036-9, ISBN-13: 978-1-59337-036-7.

  ISBN 10: 1-4405-0633-7

  ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0633-8

  eISBN 10: 1-4405-0634-5

  eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-0634-5

  Printed by RR Donnelley, Harrisonburg, VA, US

  10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

  August 2010

  Many of the designations used by manufacturers and sellers to distinguish their products are claimed as trademarks. When those designations appear in this book and Adams Media was aware of a trademark claim, the designations have been printed with initial capital letters.

  Interior illustrations by Kurt Dobler and Barry Littmann. Puzzles by Beth L. Blair.

  This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases.

  For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

  Visit the entire Everything® series at www.everything.com

  contents

  PART ONE: JOKES

  Monster Mania

  Sickos

  What's Gnu?

  Crazy Colors (or Hue Must Be Nuts!)

  Computer Wonks

  Tom and Tina Swifties

  Didja Hear?

  Larry and Luna

  School Jokes

  Quickies

  Outta This World

  Professor Fruitcake

  Hinky-Pinkys

  Ring the Doorbell! (Knock Knock Jokes)

  Jurassic Pork

  Gross!

  How's Business?

  Having a Ball

  Video Quips (Punny Names)

  Gags and Giggles

  The World's Seven Best Limericks

  Signs on the Dotty Line

  Laughing Stock

  Pundemonium

  Nuts from the Family Tree

  You Know You're a Loser When

  Spoonerisms

  Nun of That

  Way-Out Out West (Cowboy Jokes)

  Money Is Only Paper

  A Nutty Crime

  Classic One-Liners

  More One-Liners

  Medical Marvels

  Tongue Twisters

  In the Bag

  Burma-Shave: The Unknown Comic with an Edge

  The Nickname Game

  Goofballs

  Watt's the Problem? (Light Bulb Jokes)

  Anything for a Laugh

  Elephant Jokes

  PART TWO: KNOCK KNOCK

  Once Upon a Knock-Knock

  When Fun Comes a Knockin'

  Tied Up in Knock-Knocks

  Knock-Knock Your Socks Off

  Who's That Knockin'?

  One Two Three O'Clock Knock

  Knock 'Em Dead with Knock-Knocks

  Knock-Knock Yourself Silly

  A Knock Here, a Knock There

  PART THREE: RIDDLES & BRAIN TEASERS

  Time for School

  It's a Zoo

  Travel the World

  Food and Drink

  Crossing Over

  Perfectly at Home

  Let's Play Sports

  All in the Family

  APPENDIX A: PUZZLE ANSWERS

  Part One

  JOKES

  HUMANS ARE THE ONLY CREATURES on this planet who laugh. Oh sure, hyenas make a funny bark that may sound like a laugh. Grade B movies and sitcoms show chimpanzees and dolphins laughing at their silly human costars. But people are the only animals that giggle, chuckle, titter, guffaw, belly laugh, chortle, and yuck. Have you ever known a hamster who snickers at an elephant joke? Or a Rottweiler who appreciates a well-thrown custard pie in his face? Didn't think so.

  Besides loving to laugh, we also like making other people laugh. Who hasn't enjoyed being the center of attention, even if only for a few seconds, after you've told a truly terrific joke? Well, this book has tons of them — jokes, howlers, groaners, puns, witty retorts, and practical gags.

  One more thing. This book is not to be read in the silence of your bedroom or favorite hiding place. Carry it with you at all times, read it out loud, underline the best parts, dog-ear the pages, share the jokes with all your friends.

  Read, laugh, and be more funny!

  MONSTER MANIA

  What kind of dog does Dracula have as a pet?

  A bloodhound.

  What is the Mummy's favorite music?

  Wrap.

  Why did King Kong climb to the top of the Empire State Building?

  He was too big to use the elevator.

  What sport do vampires like to watch?

  Bat-minton.

  Why are most mummies vain and conceited?

  They're all wrapped up in themselves.

  Why did the dragon cough during the day?

  Because he smoked knights.

  Why is Frankenstein such a good gardener?

  He has a green thumb.

  Where does Godzilla sleep?

  Anywhere he wants to!

  Did you hear about the old vampire who kept his teeth in the freezer?

  He gave his victims frostbite.

  The little vampire could never gain weight.

  His eating was all in vein.

  Why does the mad scientist like to eat a hot dog with a glass of beer?

  It's a frank and stein.

  Did you hear about the zombie hairdresser?

  Each day she dyed on the job.

  Why did the cheerleading squad move into the haunted house?

  Because it's got spirit!

  What do you get when you cross a ghost with a firecracker?

  Bamboo!

  Did you hear about the two vampires who raced one another?

  It was neck and neck.

  Why are cannibals so popular?

  I don't know, but they always have lots of friends for lunch!

  What did one casket say to the other casket?

  “Is that you coffin?”
<
br />   Hole In One

  Fill in the missing letters in the words below. Then, copy the letter from each word into the box with the same number. When you're finished, you'll get the answer to this riddle: What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern? HINT: Be careful! Sometimes more than one letter can finish a word. Be sure each letter makes sense in the final answer.

  What did the witch use to fix her broken jack-o'-lantern ?

  What's Dracula's least favorite food?

  A steak. It goes right through him and leaves a nasty case of heartburn.

  How many dead people are in the graveyard?

  All of them!

  SICKOS

  What do beekeepers get?

  Hives.

  What do airline pilots get?

  Flu.

  What do computer geeks get?

  Slipped discs.

  If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

  Missile toe.

  What do firefighters get?

  Water on the knee.

  What do workers at McDonald's get?

  Fallen arches.

  What do carpenters get?

  Hangnail.

  What do roofers get?

  Shingles.

  What do spies get?

  See-sickness.

  What do basketball players get?

  Hooping cough.

  What do watchmakers get?

  All wound up!

  WHAT'S GNU?

  Mona: I had trouble with my horse yesterday. I wanted to go in one direction, and he wanted to go in another.

  Sam: So how did you decide?

  Mona: He tossed me for it.

  Sam: I think my pet duck is broken.

  Jokin' Around

  Fowl Definitions

  From the Dictionary for Bird-Brains

  Hatchet — What a chicken does with its eggs.

  Information — How geese fly.

  Foul ball — An egg.

  Crow bar — Where birds like to drink and hang out.

  Mona: Broken?

  Sam: Yeah, he has a quack in him.

  Mona: What's worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?

  Sam: A centipede with athlete's foot.

  Sam: I'd like to buy a bird.

  Store Clerk: How about a talking mynah?

  Sam: Sounds great!

  Store Clerk: This one here is very talented.

  She can talk in seven languages, sing The Star-Spangled Banner, and recite the Gettysburg Address.

  Sam: Never mind that. Is she tender?

  Rich Snob: I don't like your bird, young man.

  Sam: Why not?

  Rich Snob: Because every time I walk by, it says, “Cheap! Cheap!”

  Why did the hen slide her eggs down the hill?

  She loved playing with the children.

  How much fur can you get from a skunk?

  As fur as you possibly can!

  How do you spell mousetrap with only three letters?

  C-A-T

  Mona: What kind of pet can you stand on?

  Sam: A car-pet.

  Mona: What kind of pet makes the loudest noise?

  Sam: A trum-pet.

  Mona: What kind of pet can help you write letters?

  Sam: The alpha-pet.

  Alex: Why is that dachshund sitting in the sun?

  Amy: Because his owners like hot dogs.

  Do you know how to raise rabbits?

  Yes, by the scruff of their necks.

  Sam: Wow! It's raining cats and dogs.

  Mona: How can you tell?

  Sam: I just stepped in a poodle.

  Sam: Have you ever seen a fish bowl?

  Mona: Sure, lots of times.

  Sam: How do they get their fins into those little holes?

  Father Kangaroo: Why are you scratching?

  Mother Kangaroo: The kids are eating crackers in bed again.

  Sam: Can you name four members of the cat family?

  Mona: Papa Cat, Mama Cat, and two kittens.

  Mona: How did the pig write his name?

  Sam: He used an oink-pen.

  What did the leopard say after dinner?

  “That hit just the right spots.”

  Sam: Hey! Your dog bit my ankle.

  Mona: Sorry, but that's as high as he can reach.

  Mona: How do you keep a wild elephant from charging?

  Sam: Take away his credit card.

  Why Oh Why?

  Pick up words as the chicken walks from START to END. Write each word down in the order in which the chicken finds them, and you'll end up with the answer to this riddle:

  Why does a flamingo stand up on one leg?

  Because if he pulled the other one up he'd fall over.

  Mona: My pony sounds funny.

  Sam: That's because he's a little hoarse.

  “He who laughs, lasts.”

  — Leo Rosten

  Mona: Why do hummingbirds hum?

  Sam: They don't know the words.

  What did the little kid say when he saw the peacock?

  “Look, Ma, the chicken's in bloom!”

  Sam: I haven't seen your pet chicken lately.

  Mona: Well, this week she's been laying low.

  Words to Know

  Punch line: the part of the joke that gets the laugh

  The animal doctor is always busy as a bee!

  Take a gander at a few of his patients:

  The leopard is seeing spots,

  The kangaroo is feeling jumpy,

  The goldfish is flushed,

  The chameleon is looking green,

  The woodpecker caught a bug,

  The baby duckling has been getting a little down lately,

  And the bullfrog is afraid he's going to croak!

  CRAZY COLORS (OR HUE MUST BE NUTS!)

  What color is a marriage?

  Wed.

  What color is an echo?

  YELL-oohhhhhhh!

  What color is a ghost?

  Boo

  What color is the wind?

  Blew.

  What color is a baby ghost?

  Baby boo.

  What color is a kitten's meow?

  Purr-ple.

  What color is a soccer score?

  Goaled!

  What color is a police investigation?

  Copper.

  What color is a witch's potion?

  Bracken brew.

  COMPUTER WONKS

  Why did the computer geek sell his cat?

  He was afraid it would eat his mouse.

  How do you contact Hercules by computer?

  Send him he-mail.

  What has a video screen, a keyboard, six legs, and plugs into the wall?

  A computer bug.

  What do computer geeks eat for dessert?

  Apple pie a la modem.

  Did you hear about the geek who almost drowned?

  He was surfing the Web and got bumped off.

  Jokin' Around

  Totally Buggy

  Computer Viruses to Watch Out For:

  The Disney Virus

  The screen starts acting Goofy.

  The Titanic Virus

  Everything goes down.

  The Diet Virus

  The computer quits after just one byte.

  The Las Vegas Virus

  Users have to turn in their chips.

  The Divorce Virus

  Your motherboard stops talking to your data.

  Nerd: Why is my computer screen all wet?

  Dweeb: I was trying to send e-mail, but the stamps kept sliding off!

  Did you hear about the guy who flunked technical college?

  He can only operate nincomputers.

  Nerd: How many bytes are in your software program?

  Dweeb: I'll let you know as soon as I've finished eating it.

  Mother: Having trouble with your computer, son?

  Karl: My PC says it can't see my printer.

  Mother: I'm not
surprised. Look how messy your room is!

  Nerd: Do you have a cursor on your computer?

  Dweeb: I'll say! You should just hear the words my dad uses when the computer goes down!

  Nerd: What's wrong with your keyboard?

  Dweeb: Myspacebarseemstobestuck.

  You heard about the computer scientist who spends half his time directing the town's orchestra?

  He's a semi-conductor.

  “Of course I know how to copy disks … Where's the Xerox machine?”

  If at first you don't succeed … call it version 1.0.

  What was the world's first computer?

  An Apple. Eve gave one to Adam.

  What are the three main parts of a printer?

  The power cord, the jammed paper tray, and the blinking light.

  “My computer is almost human.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When it makes a mistake, it blames it on another computer.”

  I had a rotten day at work today. My computer broke down and I had to think all day long.

  TOM AND TINA SWIFTIES

  “Look at the cute pony,” said Tina a little hoarsely.

  “I can't remember what groceries I need,” said Tom listlessly.

  “Is it time to turn the pancakes?” asked Tina flippantly.

  “Look at that scroungy old dog,” Tom muttered.

  “Who cut the cheese?” asked Tina sharply.

  “I'd gladly give you a thousand dollars,” said Tom grandly.

  “My pet bird is sick,” said Tina illegally.

  “Let's set up camp,” said Tom intently.

  “I'll make the fire,” Tina bellowed.

  “I got the lowest grade in my cooking class,” said Tom degradedly.

  “We're all out of pumpernickel bread,” said Tina wryly.

  “Why can't we go bowling?” Tom bawled.

  “I finished taking my shower,” said Tina dryly.

  “Give me another strawberry cake,” Tom retorted.

  “These oysters are all mine!” said Tina shellfishly.

  “Keep them! I prefer other seafood,” said Tom crabbily.

  “I love arithmetic,” Tina added.

  “And I love correcting my mistakes,” Tom remarked.

  “That's my gold mine,” Tina claimed.

  “But it used to be mine!” Tom exclaimed.